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I've learned a lot about human nature and social graces by living
in Japan. (Or at least I hope I have!) In the stories I write
about Japan, I'm hoping to take you "backstage" and
give you a look at their culture from the inside out. I'd love
to know how this story touches you, and what it is you learn
by reading it. Please drop me a line and let me know: Charlie@seishindo.org.
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As a foreigner living and working in Japan for many years and
having been married to a Japanese woman, I've learned a great
deal about life from a unique perspective. One of my greatest
teachers was my wife's grandmother, who passed away several
years ago. Through my interactions with grandma, I was led to
consider the importance of appreciating our time on earth, and
appreciating those we are in relationship with.
My most enduring memory of my wife's grandmother is the first
time I went to her house to meet her. She was perhaps 81 years
old at the time, and still rather sprite. My wife Hiroko rang
the bell to her house and grandma called out for us to enter.
With perfect timing (something grandma was always impeccable
about) just as Hiroko opened the door to the house, grandma
was sliding down onto the hardwood floor to her hands and knees,
to bow deeply to me. There was something magical and mysterious
about this moment of greeting. Just the slightest glimpse of
her serene face as she began to descend in her bow. Next I was
left looking at her grey hair immaculately gathered into a bun
in the back, as she paused with her face about eight centimeters
above the floor. So intriguing to be meeting someone without
being able to gaze into their face. To be standing there while
a person offers their complete supplication. I couldn't help
but wonder who she was and what she was going to look like when
we finally got the chance to meet face to face.
Grandma bobbed up from her bow and paused for about two seconds,
like a diver raising her head above water to get a fresh supply
of air before diving down again. While still not actually looking
at me, she repeated this up and down process two more times.
I very much felt suspended in space, and time, as I bowed sheepishly
and wondered what else I should be doing as I waited for her
to finish. In Japanese culture, the person who is most thankful
for the good will and kind treatment of their counterpart, is
the person who bows the deepest and the longest.
Just now I can clearly recall how the words she spoke during
this ritual were in perfect timing with her bowing. "Thank
you so much for everything." "Thank you for taking
such good care of my granddaughter." "Thank you so
much for being such a kind and wonderful human being."
"Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule
to come and meet me." And all of this spoken the very first
time we were meeting. With her having little idea of who I "really"
was. I realize now she was not making a statement of fact, as
much as she was making a humble request for kind treatment in
the future.
After meeting grandma a number of times she stopped going to
her hands and knees to bow Instead, she began to bow while standing.
It's interesting for me to think about this now because the
first time she bowed while still standing, I worried that I
might have done something to lessen her respect for me. In actuality,
she remained standing as a way of letting me know she was feeling
more at ease around me.
Unbeknownst to grandma, I decided one day to playfully engage
her in a bowing contest. I was determined to bow deeper and
longer than her in order to let her know I appreciated all of
her kind treatment. The next time I visited I seized my chance.
Grandma saw me and bowed deeply as usual, and then just as she
was coming up for air, I bowed quite deeply back to her while
thanking her for all of her many wonderful qualities. I stayed
down in my bow as long as I thought I could without seeming
unnatural, and then just as I was coming up, there was grandma
going down in the opposite direction, bowing even a bit deeper
than the first time, and once again mumbling many wonderful
pleasantries. Not to be outdone, I waited patiently and just
as she started up a second time, I went down into another bow.
I paused interminably at the bottom, and then slowly came back
up again only to see her going back down.
I'm not sure how long we did this for. Perhaps five complete
rounds. It was as if we were connected to a system of weights
and pulleys, with her coming up requiring me to balance this
by going down, and vice versa.
It didn't take long for me to feel awkward and out of place.
Her bowing had a presence and a power to it that my bowing didn't,
and she broke my spirit in just one engagement! One of the main
differences being that she was fully engaged in bowing
and showing respect, while I was only play acting. I was bowing
with my body, but I wasn't truly bowing with my heart. I felt
embarrassed and hoped she didn't realize that to some extent
I was only fooling around. I vowed to myself to find a way to
show her my heartfelt respect and appreciation for all the wonderful
things she did for me, and the gifts she often gave me. In the
process I feel like she taught me to be more respectful to others
as well.
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